Transcending Reality

Life through the eyes of Angel

Today, was a rough yet beautiful disaster. It started with my son waking up at 3am tossing and turning. He couldn’t get comfortable, no matter how much he tried. His little belly was grumbling with pain. The impending alarm was approaching at 545, can you guess the outcome?

You guessed it,  this mama is running on no sleep.

Normally,  I would be cranky at such a thing. Be resentful that I couldn’t get any rest while Justin snored away. Yet I was filled with so much love and gratitude that my baby, my son still needed me. You see there have been many times that my toddler cried when I came home, for in his brain he must have known mommy is home therefore daddy must leave. I felt that my world was constantly crashing down, my heart broken into a million pieces. Shouldn’t he be running into my arms after not seeing me all day? Shouldn’t he miss his mommy? What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me?

Motherhood was a catalyst for my healing.

It allowed me to break free from the misconceptions and beliefs that held me in my own miserable contempt. Most of these I had acquired throughout life by others who seemed to have it together. Motherhood forced these emotions to surface in such a profound way breaking the illusion of these chains that I thought were long gone, but truly there was more depth then I could ever have imagined. I could either let this break me down by gnawing at my soul, or I could allow this to build me up to be the person I aim to be.

I wouldn’t be me, if I didn’t do both. I do not regret any of it for it has taught me the value in darkness and how it is the epitome of light. For you cannot have light without first enduring the darkness. You see I dwelled in the pain, and I swam in the darkness. Depression overwhelmed me for what seemed like eternity, crying so loud but noone could hear me. He was a part of me, literally, a part of me. Why is he so far away? He heard my heartbeat, the blood pumping through my veins, the air in my lungs and yet he cried when he saw me?

The more I dug deeper the bigger the wound I found. I thought I was a terrible mother, which is why he preferred to spend his time with daddy. The truth is even more raw, for it cuts me at my core. I tried so desperately to be the cool mom that he would want to see, but even that didn’t work. What he really, truly wanted was the genuine mommy. The mommy that has feelings, who he can see and feel. But I was afraid. I was trying so hard to be the perfect mom, to make sure all of his needs were met and wants were taken care of. He could tell I was burnt out, he could tell I was in pain yet denying it. He knew. He just knew I had the weight of the world on my shoulder. I didn’t know it at the time, but I do now.

Being adopted comes with its own root of problems, but for now let me shed some light on one of my many insecurities. The fear of abandonment. I have this reoccurring fear that grips me so bad that I am never good enough for those around me and they will just up and leave. Now with that being said can you imagine the pain and agony I was feeling. Those around me did nothing to help ease my emotions, they did nothing to reassure me that all was well. Even if they did I wouldn’t believe them anyway. His actions solidified my fear and kept me stagnant as if I was literally a deer in headlights. But I know way too much now. This wasn’t who I was becoming, this isn’t me.

When I finally came to terms with it, I realized I could breathe. I could literally feel like the weights were slowly being lifted. I began seeing Jack for who he truly is, and not someone I could keep by my side forever. I saw his personality bubble even more. When I see him being sweet and thoughtful, it brings me to tears. For instance, when he brings me a drink because he knows its mine and I am thirsty, or he sees mickey has a booboo so he puts a bandaid on it and kisses it. I often let him figure out things because I am curious as to how he will figure it out, there is never a doubt in my mind that he won’t. I just want to see how his brain operates. I encourage him to try, even if sometimes I am completely exhausted. I dont want him to fit in, I want him to stand out. I want him to be able to say I can do this even when people are filling him with doubt. I want him to be whole, and come from a place within. I let him feel his emotions, I let him scream and shout. I understand. I am there for him when he needs me, I am there for him when he wants me. Above all else, I know now that I am his safe place. But first, I am my safe space.

With time, he will understand that and embody it as well.

People like to complain. I’m not too sure why, but we have a knack for it. Something great happens, we find the one fault. I see a lot of it at work. It could be that its because I work in healthcare, but i doubt it. I think we have just becomes so accustomed to it that we think that is who we are. We focus on the negative 99 percent of the time, or so it feels.

You’re a worrier? No, you live in the negative. You have been taught that; whether from another human or through experience. Worrying isn’t necessarily a negative thing, per say. Its a good indicator for concern, to use caution. But often times we get in our own way and hinder our growth by getting caught up in the what ifs. I mean really, what if?

What if you allowed yourself to be surprised. Magic is all around, if only the one seeing took off the glasses covered in gook.

What if you choose to see the best in others?

What if you allowed others to be who they want to be?

What if you took time for yourself?

Are you worried that your baby is going to fall and get hurt? Bang their head? Fall on their face? I know I am. But Jack needs to learn what his body is capable of, he needs to rely on it as we all have learned to. He needs to learn boundaries.

Are you worried that someone will break into your home? That you will be hurt? Afraid to get into a car crash? There are so many things that someone can worry about, why? Because something unfortunate happened so we can learn from it. Are we going to get stuck in the what ifs? Im not, and I hope you won’t either.

What if  for every worry you had you add another thing to be grateful for? How would your life change?

Heres an example:

What if I get into an accident? = It sure is a good thing that seat belts were invented.

If your brain is anything like mine it could keep going in circles about the worst case scenarios. I urge you to be mindful of the worry black hole. It is good until it sucks you in and then it feels almost impossible to get out of it. All you can do is give it a try. What if?

 

As I was peeling an orange this wonderful thought popped into my head. What a shame it would be to waste those delicious smelling peels. Why not use those orange peels for something else? Its ironic isn’t it? You know preaching to friends and family about how you can easily make cleaning products that aren’t harmful to you, your pets, environment and now in our case little one.

I have to admit with this little one on the way I have had to come to terms with the way I have been living. Despite being an avid health nut I have been quite a hypocrite. (Don’t tell on me, okay?) So now I absolutely have to take responsibility for my actions, or lack there-of.

So, the moment we have all been waiting for..(dun dun dunnnnn)

Gather some orange peels, you know after you devour that scrumptious fruit. Put those in a jar that you won’t need in the immediate future. Mason jars, anyone?

Okay now go ahead and get that vinegar. Yup vinegar. Add that to those wonderful peels and then guess what? You’re done!

Okay not really, but pretty close. You should wait for the oils to be infused into the vinegar, or not, because ultimately the choice is yours. But you should always label everything!

More to come soon.