Shiftd Reality

After years of always feeling a certain way while hearing words that conflicted with exactly that, I thought I was officially crazy. The stories that were told were completely different from the ones that I have held inside. The narratives- misconstrued, storylines eerily similar but yet so many differences.

I’ve always been good with being able to identify emotions especially once I began to narrow them down. Navigating them though proved to be a whole battle in itself. I always seemed to feel as if my reality didn’t match my inner dialogue and after a while you begin to question if you are in fact insane. That questioning later turns into self-doubt and that quickly spirals out of control because it literally infiltrates your very existence. No wonder I’ve never been good at succeeding in anything I’ve set out to do for me.

It had nothing to do with my capabilities because I could quite literally figure anything out given the proper resources.  I was not a good enough reason to complete the task. Me-it was because of me. The value of me was completely nonexistent. The fear and uncertainty resulting from the layers of self-doubt was imbued within my subconscious and it was so deeply engraved that it truly is no wonder.

Looking in as an innocent bystander it may seem like I have the perfect life with the most amazing support system and while I am grateful, I am more hesitant than anything.  I want nothing more to be open arms and wish nothing more than to feel like I belong, but the truth of the matter is, I never did. While wishing on a star may get some dreams to come true, I have finally faced the truth that no matter what I want the outcome to be I just have to accept that when it comes to certain situations nothing will ever change. My peace is more important than an outer appearance and your reality has nothing to do with mine especially after witnessing the choices that you continue to make. I have been thrusted on this healing journey for as long as I can remember but the most pivotal moment was when I was finally seen for exactly who I am. It quite literally made me question everything and thank goodness for that!

I may not have all the answers, but I do know that the biggest lesson always had to do with letting go. I so desperately grasped onto things and people I never wanted to let go of but the more I tried to hold on the tighter it gripped my soul. The pain would just continue to grow. I was in the depths of sorrow that would inevitably consume me. I never felt worthy because I had no reason to. While I would love to place the blame on others and project any pain that I may feel I refuse to give over my power. I have done that for far too long and made those same mistakes repeatedly until I finally was able to learn. While I can wish circumstances were different, I now see with a clearer vision. Some of the minute details may have been distorted in the past through a cracked trauma filled Lense but I was never wrong. My feelings were never invalid. My worth was never expendable. I was perfect in all sense of the word. The lessons that I have had to learn, the pain that I had to feel, the mountains and valleys I had to scour I will forever be grateful. I was a victim, a perpetrator, dishonest-honest, cheater and I’ve been cheated on. I have played all the roles of both good and bad.

At this point I understand the highs and lows is exactly what I needed in order to truly embrace me. I needed to see that despite it all I was always good enough. I needed to be reminded that I could be perfect at something, and people would still find fault or not believe in my worthiness. I needed to be reminded of just who I am and how powerful my voice is. I no longer need others to tell me, reassure me. I don’t need validation from anyone- I’m not a little girl anymore. I don’t need you. I’ve always needed me. But regardless I am grateful for those who see me for exactly who I am and love me throughout it all. As well as those who never did or refuse to do so.